Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I can hear the toaster in the other room asking to have a bath with me

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!

   wondering if Sarah Palin can still see Russia from her house.

   The definition of Vegetarian is an Indian word for bad hunter. . .

   If you are sick or in some kind of trouble and I send you prayers, please note that I don’t really care about you otherwise I would get off my ass and do something practical for you.

   Soccer gives he@d.

   I've had plenty of money throughout my life that I could have become an alcoholic. but I choose to invested in agriculture by smoking Marijuana. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call, private message me, just don't be related. . .

   I am ready to take our relationship to the level of appearing together in a Facebook profile picture.

   It appears Vladimir Putin has shoved the "reset" button up Hillary's Ukraine.

   I'm amazed at the high cost of meat lately. I went to the grocery store to buy a beef roast but sadly discovered that they don't have lay away.

   With my luck, the love of my life was on that plane.

   New 1 minute porno to be made, going to be called Done in 60 seconds!

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   "Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. This means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   My ex-girlfriend gave me a sweetest day card. Ok, it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts

   Men, women don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion.....in a deeper voice.