Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.

   I bet Kim Kardashian dyed her hair blonde to support Jodi Arias

   When is a good time to mention that St. Patrick was British and taken as a slave to Ireland for 6 years before escaping? Not today then?

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   Who's in bed with their phones ?

   COP: Sir do you know how fast you were scrolling?

   Sometimes I can hear the toaster in the other room asking to have a bath with me

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!

   wondering if Sarah Palin can still see Russia from her house.

   The definition of Vegetarian is an Indian word for bad hunter. . .

   If you are sick or in some kind of trouble and I send you prayers, please note that I don’t really care about you otherwise I would get off my ass and do something practical for you.

   Soccer gives he@d.

   I've had plenty of money throughout my life that I could have become an alcoholic. but I choose to invested in agriculture by smoking Marijuana. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call, private message me, just don't be related. . .

   I am ready to take our relationship to the level of appearing together in a Facebook profile picture.

   It appears Vladimir Putin has shoved the "reset" button up Hillary's Ukraine.

   I'm amazed at the high cost of meat lately. I went to the grocery store to buy a beef roast but sadly discovered that they don't have lay away.

   With my luck, the love of my life was on that plane.