Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All these Parents today uploading Back To School Day photos of their precios kids are basically saying "Hey! Look what I Made!!" Get over yourself, you're ugly and so is your kid... Now smile, you douche!!

   Paula Deen at home watching the Trayvon Martin case just licking the white part out of Oreos then stepping on the black parts

   I don't get it. The Bible is not allowed in public schools but is encouraged in prisons. Maybe if we allowed the Bible in schools there would be less people in prison. Ever think of that?

   I'm going to create man & women with original sin. Then I'm going to impregnate a woman with myself as her child so that I can be born. Once alive, I will kill myself as a sacrifice to myself. To save you from a sin I originally condemned you to. Ta dah!!

   not suitable for minors!

   says if it wasn't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done!

   Wow! I just heard something on TV as "Welcome to the Million Dollar Money Shot!" I was most disappointed to discover I misheard the word "drop".

   Oregon Football team has made great strides over their break. They've gone from smelling the highlighters to just coloring on themselves.

   remembers being a kid thinking "I wish dad would pull his pants down from below his shoulders." Now I wonder if my grandkids will be looking at my son thinking "I wish my dad would pull his pants off the ground."

   just bought a loaf of bread and a tube of Vagisil for my wife.....now there's a major Catch-22.

   There's a reason why the word semen falls smack dab in the middle of amusement!

   If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either

   with out ME, you're just AWESO

   Oppenheimer's famous sentence : That was a big@$$ f*ckin' eXplosion, man !!!

   "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"

   looking forward to the next Kanye apology for being an idiot!

   wondering if they call loacal area networks in Australia the LAN Down Under!!!!!

   Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

   wonders how we are so concerned with automobile safety (airbags, crumple zones, antilock brakes), yet some will jump on an open sled from the 1870's and go 90 mph down a channel without a second thought!

   a fear of heights: Jackson Heights, Crown Heights, Washington Heights