Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was talking to the group of cute nurses after work and I told them I have a new SUV. One of them said, "What about the rain forest or the ice glaciers?" I said, "It has 4 wheel drive - we can go anywhere!"

   Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad

   I was watching some trailers at my local cinema when to my surprise a movie came on.

   Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

   watched JAWS backwards last night - it is a good movie about a SHARK that puts a boat back together (with it's mouth) and puts people on the boat, and then throws-up people until they open the beach!!!

   Ask for the B.P special at Red Lobster. Shrimp Scampi and a free oil change.

   Takes 600 photos, chooses the most flattering photo of myself, and then goes through grueling editing before uploading a new profile picture. Then make it seem like it was a random upload, I'm sneaky like that

   if love were a blow pop then I would blow you forever.

   Doesnt matter if you own a DSLR, that doesnt means you are a photographer.

   Last night I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

   Trump: A Brazilian has coronavirus Pelosi and Schumer: A Brazilian oh my God how many people is that????

   He has so much thoughts and prayers to offer, he offered them to the wrong city. Best entertaining two and a half years so far!

   If Rudy Giuliani gets a divorce in New York, are he and his wife still cousins?

   Anti-smoking efforts have saved 8 million lives. No wonder traffic sucks!

   it too late to say hakuna matata to that lion?

   This chick has a couple of good ideas that I would like to motorboat.

   Seriously though, what color was that dress?

   This homeless dude comes to me and ask for money. He said “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I said “Don’t worry. It still states the same.”

   When one door closes and another window opens you are probably in prison.

   Punk's not dead. Punk is resting its eyes. Punk works hard all week. Just please, go play quietly and let punk sleep.