Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   @Guys - We appreciate when you keep your condoms within close reach from the bed so we don't spend ten minutes waiting naked while you search the other end of the apartment.

   BOY: Hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: Good job son! GIRL: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: Where the hell is my gun?

   I hope we have a good weekend before the end of the world !!

   I took the pledge and will not text while I am driving because it is dangerous! I may check my email, update my Facebook status, make calls, and add appointments to my calendar, but I will NEVER text while I drive. ;)

   I was working out the other day and ''Rolling In The Deep'' came on. I think it was the first time Adele's ever been in a gym.

   To America's welfare recipients ..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas".. From the rest of us hard working Americans slaving away every freakin' Day to provide for your well being.

   BREAKING: Trump cancels annual Easter Egg Roll, claims he "doesn't care for Chinese food".

   If you're water-skiing in the desert and you blow a tire, how many pizzas does it take to shingle a doghouse?

   Never knew if my father would hit us or the bottle!

   Paul Mccartney just won the Gold medal in old.

   So the baby was watching Dora The Explorer today. For some reason, they were making donkey noises. My first thought was Dora had been deported and was now in Tijuana doing a "show" with a donkey! Glad I was wrong.

   BREAKING NEWS: Rudolph commits suicide after Santa upgrades to GPS

   if you dont like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!

   Candy Crush just sold for $6 billion in case anyone is looking for a reason to join ISIS

   Adam and Eve had two kids, both boys. But there were new babies born after. This story is in the same book that claims incest is wrong.

   Everybody out there, have lots of sex

   Express lanes should have signs banning old people and people paying with food stamps.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   How would there be a lot of confused babies whose dad's screwed each other? Did the Supreme Court overturn nature and allowed same-sex conception too?

   Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.