Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight! :-D

   Global Warming would not be a problem if people would stop producing so much hot air complaining about Global Warming.

   I don't what the big deal is with Michael Sam. NASCAR has had Jeff Gordon for years! Bahahahaha!

   i will destroy you in the most beautiful way

   I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Justin Bieber!

   So apparently if you throw leftover cooked rice instead of uncooked rice at the bride during a wedding, you ruin her special day. Who knew.

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   My number is #0. Which is good 'cause I'm from [insert home town] and you probably know it already

   I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Like why you gotta play me like that

   It's hard to get positive here for Nelson Mandela jokes, I guess you all were born in South Africa!

   A fox can only sound like that if you kick it in the balls. . .

   As I get off the rollercoaster that was 2013, I step into the elevator that is 2014, and press up. Sounds good on paper, anyway....lol

   Some people's Twitter and Facebook updates are like a china shop filled with wrestlers battling over all its contents; you can find nothing worthwhile to read yet. Please learn something before updating and making fun of yourself.

   If your manhood has become a bit green, floppy and scaly. you could be suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

   So now that she's dead, we can start putting booze in her drink. Right?

   Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Superman.

   Did you guys hear about the new restaurant that's opened on the moon? Apparently the food is great but there's no atmosphere......

   Why is "Trump" and "Cruz" understood by some Americans, however those same Americans still don't know the difference between their, there, & they're.