Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....

   When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.

   I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   Ah doan care what any of y'all say, ain't no man likes a tattoo on da tiddy.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

   I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

   TAMPAX is keeping their jobs in America now, too! Trump really must have had to pull some strings to keep them here!

   even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.

   After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight! :-D

   Global Warming would not be a problem if people would stop producing so much hot air complaining about Global Warming.

   I don't what the big deal is with Michael Sam. NASCAR has had Jeff Gordon for years! Bahahahaha!

   i will destroy you in the most beautiful way

   I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Justin Bieber!

   So apparently if you throw leftover cooked rice instead of uncooked rice at the bride during a wedding, you ruin her special day. Who knew.

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   My number is #0. Which is good 'cause I'm from [insert home town] and you probably know it already

   I hate when I put food in the microwave and it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it's cold. Like why you gotta play me like that