Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how can I possibly be expected to tolerate living with the gender that doesn't know a thing about the spread offense.

   I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

   The Netherlands known for "total footbal" more like "brutal football"!

   These days a little bragging by saying, "I'm the bomb!!" might cause a stampede

   I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.

   Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?

   I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down.

   Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.

   If you don't see Snowden as a hero please unfriend me,. Save me the trouble of finding out later that your just effin sheep of the media.

   The FBI recommends no charges be filed against Hillary Clinton. My next question is, when will Donald Trump be indicted and for what?

   I've been thinking about this all morning. "Sir, why did you shoot me?" "I don't know." This is insanity. #CharlesKinsey

   Most Mexicans affectionately refer to Donald Trump as "El Piñata."

   I have paid Tim Kaine to jack off my dog for entertainment purposes as recent as March of 2016

   If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew.

   I promise you it wasn't special treatment. McDonald's makes me wait for my fries every damn time. Nice try playing the hero and all.

   Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....

   I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet

   I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   If I were gay Mike Pence would scare me more than Trump...