Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how can I possibly be expected to tolerate living with the gender that doesn't know a thing about the spread offense.

   I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

   The Netherlands known for "total footbal" more like "brutal football"!

   These days a little bragging by saying, "I'm the bomb!!" might cause a stampede

   I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.

   Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?

   I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down.

   Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.

   My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good."

   Hey everyone. Remember to leave out a riffle and some Budweiser, this 4th of July eve, or Kid Rock won't bring you any fireworks.

   Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.

   If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew.

   I promise you it wasn't special treatment. McDonald's makes me wait for my fries every damn time. Nice try playing the hero and all.

   Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....

   If I were gay Mike Pence would scare me more than Trump...

   Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

   Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.

   Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.

   trump must be very frustrated that congress is full of people with principles that care about Americans. It makes it harder for him to improve America for the richest and whitest Americans at the expense of everyone else.

   I guess I missed the chapter in "The Art of the Deal" about getting rejected by the Freedom Caucus.