Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   masticating in a crowded restaurant.

   Today's Tip: Be kind to your fellow man....remember to courtesy flush.

   wearing his traditional Irish none-derwear!

   not Danny Phantom but if a girl says she is pregnant then he is going ghost

   how can I possibly be expected to tolerate living with the gender that doesn't know a thing about the spread offense.

   I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

   The Netherlands known for "total footbal" more like "brutal football"!

   These days a little bragging by saying, "I'm the bomb!!" might cause a stampede

   I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.

   Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?

   I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down.

   Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.

   If you don't see Snowden as a hero please unfriend me,. Save me the trouble of finding out later that your just effin sheep of the media.

   The FBI recommends no charges be filed against Hillary Clinton. My next question is, when will Donald Trump be indicted and for what?

   I've been thinking about this all morning. "Sir, why did you shoot me?" "I don't know." This is insanity. #CharlesKinsey

   Most Mexicans affectionately refer to Donald Trump as "El Piñata."

   I have paid Tim Kaine to jack off my dog for entertainment purposes as recent as March of 2016

   My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good."

   Hey everyone. Remember to leave out a riffle and some Budweiser, this 4th of July eve, or Kid Rock won't bring you any fireworks.

   Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.