Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it justdoesn't work that way. you are already hard to want.

   I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.!!

   I mistakenly had sex with a model. These mannequins are really starting to look real.

   Be careful about making too many plans; that's were “premeditated” comes from.

   so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   Truly amazed by how much the people in the commercials care for us.

   "Im never gonna danthh again/ Cauth guilty feet have got no rhythm/ Though ithh eathhy to pretend I know you're not a fool" -Careless Lisper

   The dentist said my gums were bad and it would cost $1000 to fix. I bought some big red and put that up there for 50 cents.

   As Ole Fred Sanford would say, "You big dummy".

   It's like Uncle Pete always said, it's never too early to dip your balls in the gravy. (Uncle Pete's in prison now.)

   I hate when people on YouTube say, "if your watching this in 2011". I'm always like oh no, I'm watching it 1500 BC on my IStone.

   All you damn people inviting me to Castleville get on Battlefield 3 so I can knife you!!

   That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.

   Admit it, you love them so you Facebook stalk them. You over think your status updates in case they read them & you look @ all their photos several times a day.

   Angelina Jolie is so malnourished, that Madonna is going to adopt her.

   hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!

   if your gonna have a hairy chest at least shave a Superman 'S' in it

   You can't judge a book by it's cover...but you can judge milk by it's smell.