Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about

   I'm sure we all remember those days when we thought porn was also available on youTube

   KISS announced that they will not be performing at this year's Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get a killer performance from the other inductee Nirvana.

   Oh Canada...Our Bars open at 6 AM!!!!

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.

   Uh-huh...my underwear is!! -my excuse since Kindergarten. #stpattys

   A woman`s biggest temptations ~ bags, shoes, & gossips. A man`s biggest temptation ~ a woman !!

   Would give Justin Bieber in return for missing plane.

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   I'm the life of the party after I pass out.

   I'm fine, she said, Don't worry about it she said, Go hang out with your friends she said I'm having a bonfire with all your stuff she said

   It's crazy to think that before Facebook all this crap stayed in people's heads

   Based on how many haunted mansions there are, it's clear I'll never be wealthy enough to be a ghost.

   Don't talk to me until I've had 7 coffees.

   There is an over abundant amout of "your thumbnail pic was hot but the full size pic made me shudder" on Facebook.

   Now days spelling "good" is as simple as paying attention in school

   Be careful who you decide to take for granted, because once they find better, they are NOT coming back to your regretful ass.

   well, I gues I'm going to have to find a wife. These dishes aren't going to wash themselves...

   So......Snooki announced she's having a baby boy. Phew! That was close

   Moammar Gadhafi shades for sale........ replaced the lens where the bullet went through