Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.

   I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...

   After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ

   if you're poor, then you're the one doing it wrong, dude...

   I'm always disappointed when liar's pants don't actually catch on fire

   I love earth, except the people on it.

   If you don't back up and pin the doctor the wall when he sticks his finger in, it's not a prostate exam.

   I don't pay you to put evil notions in my head. The ones already in there don't need company. - Tyrion Lannister

   I wish my name was Grudge. This way women would hold on to me forever.

   I Never understood why people watch porn together while having sex. If I have porn then what the hell do I need with another person?"

   Actually, it's either: "DRIVING" or "RIDING" six white horses. Who's the dumb@$$ now?

   About this whole Royal Baby thing, I googled "who cares?" and my name wasn't in the search results. 

   If you don't have an ugly person in your group of friends, it's probably you.

   If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox.......... lol

   Some people wait their entire life for their status to be "liked"..not realizing that it has been p0sted a million times before..

   Having just watched Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptations, I have come to the conclusion that her sex tape is the closest she should have been allowed to acting. Damn you Tyler Perry.

   I "Country Music" hate you.

   It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   Let's get it straight. It's not about the, "Right to bear arms", it's about the, "Right to arm bears."