Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A little slower please, pedestrian crossing the street. I don't really like making the green light anyway.

   I believe the stud finder is the most self-esteem raising carpentry tool

   blonde: ugghh what does idk mean? random girl: I don't know! blonde: omg no one knows!!!!!!!!!

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   Just wrote a new song "I Can't Get Over a Girl Like You So Get Up and Answer The Phone Yourself"

   People have champagne taste with a beer budget in a materialistic world...

   Don't get mad when I don't do what you would have done, your rules don't apply to everyone else.

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "they" are just poor virgins

   Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.

   I want to say I deserve better and mean it. I want to say I give up and believe it. I want to say I'm moving on and do it.

   I have to laugh, so Facebook is now correcting our errors with red squiggly lines, yet spelling Facebook they way they do is wrong?

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - New York City's most hated cab driver

   Just work up from a well deserved nap. Now, I'm well rested to watch some TV once I get home from work.

   This Weekend Me And Some Friends Doing A Reenactment Of The Movie "Hang Over"

   Just tried to make a sweet & adorable YouTube video of my cats, but the project fell apart due to creative differences

   I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.

   I'm an inventor. I invent all kinds of sh*t. But some people call it lying...

   After losing Gronkowski to injury and Hernandez for murder, I heard Tom Brady is ecstatic that Tim Tebow will be handling the duty of "tight end" next season. ツ

   if you're poor, then you're the one doing it wrong, dude...

   I'm always disappointed when liar's pants don't actually catch on fire