Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.

   Happy Hurricane Season.......

   In her defense my mom used to say "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it"...

   The heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA Finals...

   EGYPTIAN LIBERATION PARTY TONIGHT @ THE SPHINX..EVERYBODY GETS LAID!!! Sponsored by Girls Gone Nile'd

   What is the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to stick it in, and it's a shame to take it out.

   i think jay z and beyonce child is gonna be the anti christ... i'm just saying

   I had 'that talk' with my son last night. The one about drugs. You know, the one where I tell him I smoke pot

   Not feeling smart today? There are grown adults who actually believe that two penguins walked all the way from Antarctica to the Middle East to get aboard an ark built by a 500 year old man.

   accidentally blew my duck call backwards and I called in Carson Kressley from queer eye for the straight guy. That was weird

   Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by religious fanatics

   When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 per hour.

   World Cup Soccer reminds me of poor mans hockey

   We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly

   Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and Greg Hardy are collaborating on a new song with Chris Brown. It's sure to be a HIT.

   Click like if you almost cried when Trey said,"Yo Dough...You still got one Brotha left!".

   I feel sorry for all the bald horses in the world. Black women only think of themselves.

   Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck? Well breaking a condom is 18.

   If you wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want, you are probably gay.

   I like my women like my cell-phone - plenty of service but always silent.