Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remember when cops really wanted to PROTECT and SERVE and teachers really wanted to EDUCATE children? I miss the 1800's

   I'd like to give a shout out to my probation officer!! Woot woot I passed My drug test

   A woman is suing Chuck E Cheese because it leads to "compulsive gambling". That is like suing Walmart for "compulsive uglyness".

   And then God created the Middle East and said 'let there be terrorism and war'.

   The reason women ask so many questions is because they have an extra why chromosome.................

   undressing your profile pic with his eyes and you look hot

   Got MLK?

   His dad was Mexican, His mother Italian, Both were Jedi Masters..... He's, Old Bean Juan Cannoli. (lol, I'm not even sorry)

   What’s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   Micheal J. Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday........ And yes,, They are Still shaking hands..

   republican read the story of "robin hood" backwards...they want to steal from the poor & give to the rich

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting to get laid.

   I'm voting for the first candidate that walks up to the podium in the next debate and does the "Vitameatavegamin" skit! HA!

   Im not saying dont trust the internet, I'm just saying that there is a huge discrepancy in the number of Ipads I won verse the number of Ipads I actually own

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.

   Baby, why would you pay $99 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I can hold your ( . ) ( . ) all day for free.

   Rip: Slim Whitman

   "Kimye" calling their kid north west. in related news alicia keys naming her baby wherearemycar keys

   I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya

   The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.