Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady Gaga preaching abstinence is like Lindsay Lohan preaching sobriety or Kermit the Frog preaching about your finger not smelling like pork.

   Dear Santa .all I want for Xmas is ur naughty list.

   With a tv rating of 31.6 million. Average yard per pass was 31.6 yards and total yards was 316. Id say tebow is on to something. Dont believe those stats. Look it up.....

   I think the guy that misspelled "Ghost" actually wanted to write "Goat's soap"

   You never realize what you have till it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

   This valentines I'm getting my gf a dozen marijuana plants,better then roses right.!!

   When LeBron James gets a mosquito bite, he looks around for a ref.

   Single women are the reason women are single

   Change your FB profile picture to a hot pin up model/actress from whenever. The goal is not to see an ugly face on Facebook until December 7th. Support those that aren't getting any.

   Why the hell didn't the Hamburglar ever steal and eat Mayor McCheese? I mean he was, after all, an ENORMOUS burger.

   Trump has the same problem with the wall as he does in the bedroom ... he can't get it up.

   God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.

   Then Satan spake and said, "He who is full of sin, let him cast the last stone."

   If Obama was the answer it must have been a stupid question!!

   Aren't they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?

   Bush tried, & failed. Clinton tried, & failed Obama tried, & succeeded. The moral of this is... If you want someone dead, hire a black man!

   I can’t believe it’s already bank collapse season… I still have my train derailment decorations up.

   That uneasy moment when you realise Facebook has made more CHANGES than OBAMA.

   after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

   DON'T put a question mark where GOD has put a period. ;)