Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

   Paging Dr. Ben Carson? Dr. Ben Carson? Please come quickly as your campaign is on life support.

   Why do women who complain the most about "catcalling" look like they've never had the experience?

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   Somebody please remind me who founded the Klan before uneducated accusations are made.

   If a bitstrip cartoon defines your creativity level...we can't be friends.

   Please Spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.!

   It's throw back Thursday (chugs a beer).

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever

   WTF Domino's, a cookie pizza sound way better than chicken with $hit on it!!

   The rest of the world loves soccer. That's what Russia said about communism.

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000