Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   In an effort to show our support to the French, we English have held a shoulder-to-shoulder rally at Trafalgar Square. It's nice to see good old-fashioned English humour isn't dead.

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed private plane pilot. Please give me a call, my rates are as low as I can go by state laws. . .

   I always give girls a lollipop on the first date as an ice breaker and so I know what I can expect

   The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   Every Kiss may beging with "Kay", but Jarred ends with the "D"

   My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

   Paging Dr. Ben Carson? Dr. Ben Carson? Please come quickly as your campaign is on life support.

   Why do women who complain the most about "catcalling" look like they've never had the experience?

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   Somebody please remind me who founded the Klan before uneducated accusations are made.

   If a bitstrip cartoon defines your creativity level...we can't be friends.

   Please Spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.!

   It's throw back Thursday (chugs a beer).

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?