Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please Spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.!

   It's throw back Thursday (chugs a beer).

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever

   WTF Domino's, a cookie pizza sound way better than chicken with $hit on it!!

   I blew my nose and then wiped my ass on the same piece of toilet paper. Your move Al Gore

   Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

   Day 8 Today I'm thankful for my drug dealer

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   "I like Trump because I'm sick of political correctness" translates to "I wish I could say the n-word in public, not just among friends."

   It's time for America to stop coddling idiots and ignorant people. Trump for President is the logical conclusion of the cuts in education that Republicans have been pushing for decades.

   If Trump becomes President ..... There will be Hell Toupee

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like I copied and pasted the same staus every single day.

   Clint Eastwood hasn't voted yet, he's still trying get his ottoman to stop talking back to him.

   Not to get technical ...but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.