Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   Every Kiss may beging with "Kay", but Jarred ends with the "D"

   My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

   Paging Dr. Ben Carson? Dr. Ben Carson? Please come quickly as your campaign is on life support.

   Why do women who complain the most about "catcalling" look like they've never had the experience?

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   Somebody please remind me who founded the Klan before uneducated accusations are made.

   If a bitstrip cartoon defines your creativity level...we can't be friends.

   Please Spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.!

   It's throw back Thursday (chugs a beer).

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever

   WTF Domino's, a cookie pizza sound way better than chicken with $hit on it!!