Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doing the old "how many women have I slept with" count. God I hate fractions.

   one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs

   life has no remote.change it yourself

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong

   anyone heard anything about Cam Newton? It's been kinda quiet the past 3 minutes

   You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

   thankful he's not a turkey

   This is a 1:1 scale model of a Facebook update.

   Why doesn't Homeland Security call the new "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, "The National Tattle-Tell Campaign"?

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   My credit score looks like the speed limit!

   My wife is the most irrational person I've ever met. Well, technically, she's tied for first with every other woman I've met...

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…

   Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.

   One man's sarcastic answer, is another man's stupid question!

   So after being on a non-stop holiday food binge, I mustered the courage to step on my talking bathroom scales this morning. It said "One at a time, please." FML.

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   I went to the doctor for $hits and giggles because I'm pretty sure those two things arent suppose to happen at the same time.