Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you..

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination.

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them.

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, just ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Thinks everyone should feel "Happy Go Lucky" everyday & not just on Fridays!!!

   Kim Kardashian just tweeted that she is cleaning up her closing and will be selling her stuff on eBay auctions. Get ready to catch crabs people.

   Hun! You are just like a doll ; Pretty, but Life-less, dumb as a rock and everyone plays with you.

   happy birthday to all those born today in 1928...celebrating their 21st birthday

   Do strippers have nightmares about going to work fully clothed?

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   so in the nativity scene...would Paris Hilton play the Virgin Mary or the cow?

   There's no such thing as 'a pair of ugly - cleanly shaven female legs' wrapped around your neck.

   New Years Resolution eat & Drink Healthy..................Weed & Vodka = Greens &Potatoes

   2012 is looking better. I had a twosome..... Woohoo!

   CNN was showing a woman counting ballots. I haven't seen coverage like this, since Sesame Street.

   Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

   My head says, “Go to the gym.” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”!

   shocked to learn his son has been telling lies at school.....I've got no kids!

   Random disturbing Thought for the Day~Where do cops in nudist colonies pin their badges?? Or...hide their weapons for that matter........

   This new season of 24 sucks...Jack Bauer hasn't had to kill anyone yet