Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so tired of doing things with other women that aren't you.

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally

   I wonder how many of you were conceived at an orgy?

   I hear Justin Bieber's live vomit is much better than his studio vomit...

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to sell his hat on eBay. He's closed his papal account...

   I went to an All You Can Eat buffet. It was $10.00. The guy acted all annoyed when I asked him what they had for $20.00.

   Ladies, check your man's balls for lumps...you could save a life.

   Chic-fill-a really does descriminate against gays. Their ketchup packets were super hard for me to open.

   Thanks outlook, but I dont need you to tell me that I have a very clean inbox!

   With the price of gasoline I am willing to take the risk of no ozone layer for old school "Regular" gasoline.

   has the feeling that the Saturday night beer fairy will be visiting shortly.

   They say everybody has at least one gay thought in their lifetime... I told myself as I slowly backed away from Justin Biebers new album

   Photoshop is cool and those Instagram filters are pretty sweet but what are we gonna do about mirrors?

   roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you..

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination.

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them.

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, just ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Thinks everyone should feel "Happy Go Lucky" everyday & not just on Fridays!!!

   Kim Kardashian just tweeted that she is cleaning up her closing and will be selling her stuff on eBay auctions. Get ready to catch crabs people.

   Hun! You are just like a doll ; Pretty, but Life-less, dumb as a rock and everyone plays with you.