Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Too sick to get out of bed, the batteries in the remote control died while channel surfing, and now the TV is stuck on a SpongeBob SquarePants marathon. Oh death, where is thy sting?

   I want to have kids because I think I'd look really good in pictures with them.

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   a kid gets hurt in a bounce house every 46 minutes so I only let mine play for 45 minutes...

   Why couldn't that Down Under DJ pulled that trick on a Kardashian? Just saying, LOL

   I don't want to brag, but lately I've been getting A LOT of attention from a Nigerian prince!

   Sometimes life beats you up and you forget how awesome you are. Thank god for alcohol to help you remember.

   i just want to know when the chick-on-chick-fil-a sandwich comes out

   Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…

   “I vant to suck your hemoglobin.” -Count Dorkula

   Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.

   If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

   I'm no zombie, but I do like brain ; )

   My EX is crazy, if her emotions were on my iPod, they would be on shuffle.

   I see Girls trying to break up with their boyfriends now cause the weather changing

   The female body is a grand evolutionary symphony of grace and striking beauty that soothes the tumultuous soul. The male body is umm a body.

   I am as nervous as Oscar Pistorius's mother on Mother's Day.

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect