Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect

   Im gonna try to lose weight with this new chinese diet, eat all you can... using one chopstick

   Making snow angels & writing Ron Paul underneath because people need to know the truth

   hate when I just get home and can't sleep cuz it's too bright out!

   early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce...

   my favorite part of waking up is calculating how long until I get to go back to sleep...

   some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

   I don't drink no more. I don't drink no less, either...

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   Ouija boards were the first touchscreens

   Women could be hiding unicorns in female restrooms and we would never know.

   I am so tired of doing things with other women that aren't you.

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally

   I wonder how many of you were conceived at an orgy?

   I hear Justin Bieber's live vomit is much better than his studio vomit...

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to sell his hat on eBay. He's closed his papal account...

   I went to an All You Can Eat buffet. It was $10.00. The guy acted all annoyed when I asked him what they had for $20.00.

   Ladies, check your man's balls for lumps...you could save a life.