Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why doesn't Homeland Security call the new "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, "The National Tattle-Tell Campaign"?

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....

   Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs

   I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

   The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage.

   Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.

   Don't be so hard on Melania. It's not like that high school dropout who got by on her looks and married rich ever took shortcuts in life.

   The reason for this massive heat wave in the States is that we have two of Satans biggest spawns running for president.

   .. Turns out it's true that Malia Obama was smoking a joint .... But so what? .... What's the big deal ... Her father does it too.

   Jeff Flake voted against disaster relief for Hurricane Katrina. And the guy hates Trump. Now that's saying something.

   I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.

   Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.