Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If one day speed kills me , Don't cry because I was smiling" - Paul Walker

   Canadian bacon is just bacon with good healthcare and a strong sense of national pride.

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.

   Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That explains the low accident rates.

   I was kicked out of the Nintendo thoughts group for my idea about a Wii game for disabled people. Apparently Wii-Tards isn't a great name.

   The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?

   I hope these "reduced guilt" brownies help me get over that hobo I murdered

   Today's weather in Cali....hotter then 5 fat girls in a min cooper with no a/c

   Steve Jobs was the Apple of our i

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   If Godzilla had a son his name would be Jesuszilla?

   come on playstation network you were hacked and have been down for 5 days, learn from Jesus, he was crucified and only down for 3 day

   I only have a Facebook to see where everyone is at, so I can avoid running into them.

   Whoooo!! Well Done Obama!!!!! ......... 2 soon? I think not!! :)

   Donald J. Trump. The "J" stands for genius.

   The Mayans were so incorrect that... Obama just won their electoral votes.

   Oh my bad, I thought this was a site where things were suppose to be funny and NOT express your religious beliefs.

   I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.