Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Mayans were so incorrect that... Obama just won their electoral votes.

   Oh my bad, I thought this was a site where things were suppose to be funny and NOT express your religious beliefs.

   I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   trapped in the Facebook status message textbox; send help!

   Dec. 4 1979 it was 91 deg. Was it Global Waring then too?

   If you're a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?

   I met a black clown and a white clown. The white clown made me a balloon animal. The black clown stole my wallet.

   it just me or does Obama look like an Angry Bird?

   I never really understood why people drive around the parking lot looking for a spot right near the door, only to get out and walk around the mall for 5 hours...

   White male, AKA inventors of nearly everything on earth...

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   if dinosaurs really existed why dont you hear about them in the bible?...not even loading 2 of them on the ark

   After the morning news...decided I didnt need to play R.E.M (It's the end of the world, as we know it ) every morning, like I have since November 2008.....Bahahahahaha

   considering starting a Hooters for us girls. It will be called C*cks, feature a rooster instead of an owl, and only hire gorgeous, well-hung boy toys.

   I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   M uslims killing M uslims is a NO NO in I slam. But killing anybody else who is not a M uslim is perfectly fine.

   can't wait to hear President Obama's State of the Union speech tonight...sleeping pills haven't been working!

   ...is a Vagitarian. :-)