Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I get mad at my parents I dont slam the door or yell "I HATE YOU!" I just go in my room and rapidly flick the light switch. Yeeaah raise the light bill : D

   Ladies, if you are ever caught screaming out the wrong name during sex, just tell him you were thinking of baby names in case you got pregnant with a baby boy.

   Whale Wars is pure garbage ...have they even saved one whale?

   now I don't care about not having a girlfriend. Siri listens to all of my needs!

   Thanksgiving Dinner at the Kardashians is no different than any other day of the year, the girls only want dark meat.

   If bad decisions were flavored, they'd taste like tequila.

   FINALS: May cause sleep deprivation, loss of friends and fun, neglect of family, excessive crying and hair loss and burning eyes. Is the semester over yet???

   Herman Cain's career & marriage are a mess & the media mocks him constantly. Only 10 months ago, this was called #Winning.

   If you turn on tennis and shut your eyes it sounds like a porno

   Remember, it's not officially a holiday family fight until someone shouts 'we're not fighting, we're DISCUSSING!'

   I guess I'm still butt-hurt over that bad call back in '83 during a game of dodgeball. That fricken Jenny Harden was out by a mile...

   ''It's because I'm Black isnt it?!'' ''Dude... You're White...'' ''Oh, so now its because I'm white? I see how it is..

   My homeboy's got girl problems, so I'm at some dive bar offering bro-side assistance. That's code for whisky shots.

   I'm wearing “thongs” right now, but it's not what you think. I have some flip-flops in my butt.

   When my wife caught me using a pen1s enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."

   Sending Right Guard, toothpaste and soap to wall street.

   I'll always keep you on my left because I know you ain't right.

   Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.

   Studying: The act of texting, eating, and watching TV with an open textbook nearby

   Excited about the post-Halloween sales on candy and razor blades