Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   at the Library waiting for the opportune moment to fire my air horn

   aim for the moon, if you miss youll be among the stars"..then pressure & lack of o2 will make your as@hole explode out of your nostrils.

   Poker face? Yeah I would and then some.

   Does the Advance Pat Down come with an happy ending?

   money talks and right now its saying "Nah nah nah nah nah...you can't catch me!"

   Expect the entire internet to run slower for a while. 11 million nerds are sucking up the bandwidth to experience the Cataclysm.

   Everyday I hear people say they would to take a break and get some fresh air. So, this year I'm wrapping some up in boxes and giving as Christmas gifts.

   I’m sorry I don’t meet your expectations but I think you should give me some credit for excelling at disappointing you.

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   Don't get mad... get weed.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.

   Have you ever walked into a room after a gay 0rgy? That's how your breath smells in the morning

   Just bought the new book set "Understanding Women" the simplified version. it's 14 volumes with over 876 pages per volume.

   Every since we got a Handicap permit, It's like everybody got one and I can't never find Handicap parking Now.

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   Never trust a guy who says trust me

   Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do think I should be.