Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh my the way I measure & mix this Similac formula I should have became a cocaine dealer.

   I hope my Members Only jacket looks as good as Madonna does when its 80.

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   Every time I eat ribs it looks like there was a BBQkkake party on my face.

   What's the difference between the Ruble and the Dollar? A Dollar

   Going through a bunch of cute pictures of my kids to remind me why I don't keep them locked in the basement.

   "Hell hath no fury" because women have it all.

   It was probably just a goat with one horn missing that just happened to fly because unicorns aren't real.

   No I don't look at ANY of my exs and ask myself "what was I thinking?" Or "was I drunk the whole time" I know exactly what I was thinking and doing.

   Those little Girl Scout devils got me again. It never fails...

   I've joined the National Exaggerators Club, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 members and growing.

   Watched girls gone wild last night...okay it was store security video during black Friday but still...

   whats the difference between a plane & in-laws? the whole world is worried about a plane when it's missing

   At what point does the amount of abnormal in your life become so great that abnormal is your new normal?

   Women who believe 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach' is why divorce lawyers are so rich.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

   There are some souls you meet and you know right away you'll love them forever and laugh together in heaven or fry together in hell.

   That sounds fried. I'll take it.