Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Mothers Day, the day after

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   A hookah is just a glorified bong.

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   The Illuminati have planted facial recognition cameras everywhere and the only way to stop them from tracking your every movment is by wearing a mask over your face. Tell everyone!!

   DNA is so detailed, that it directs hairs where to grow on your nut sack.

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   I'm going to spread this all over your moist cupcake. ~ Baker sext

   I just ordered this awesome t-shirt: "I participated in the Brexit vote and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Hmmm. Too soon.

   Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.

   Public Service Announcement: If you plan on using Illegal Fireworks this July 4th weekend .... Please remember to remove their Sombreros first.

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Donald Trump promises to defend article 12 of the Constitution after confusing for bankruptcy chapters.

   Sure I don't trust CNN or Fox News but this new website I never heard of with your radical views, I'll believe your legitimacy.

   The Ghostbusters reboot has ruined more childhoods than the Catholic Church.

   The world is falling apart, yet there are m0r0ns chasing Pokemon characters all around town. Where's the comet already.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie endorses Hillary Clinton.

   Pikachu? Come to my backyard and get a Glockatchu!

   The "death tax" is obviously a big issue for non-millionaire people in Detroit who have no estate and also no safe drinking water.