Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.

   I voted...for Medical Marijuana.

   But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?

   So .... accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who screamed he was NOT happy. I yelled back: "Well then, which one are you?"

   My dad said to my mom, "I'm done with you, I'm going to date this pillow. I'm naming it Sophia!" My mom says, "You could do better." My dad says, "Stop it you don't even know her!" My mom goes, "I was talking to Sophia."

   my stock portfolio tanked again.....can I get a welfare check?

   Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but they forgot to mention Morons.

   i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.

   ..... Hmmmm .... Beginning to wonder why I was hit on by so many gay dudes today. Maybe it's time to rethink my Valentine's wardrobe.

   God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from

   I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.