Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doc: Do you sleep with your contacts? Me: Only the pretty ones.

   Chris Brown may have beat Rihanna but he has been arrested again for another beating outside a D.C. hotel and he's not even an elected official.

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   You don't know anybody till you live with them for a few weeks at least.

   following a car driving over a bridge with their left turn signal on. Where are they going to turn? Almost wish they would turn.

   Don't underestimate my ability to relate everything to food or sex.

   Mental note at work - never be the first one to laugh at your fat 0ass boss when she is asked, "what kind of food she likes", and when she says 'seafood'!.... Everyone eventual gets the jokke!

   I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)

   I used to have a life outside of work. Now I have a wife outside of work.

   When she pulls away, pull her closer. Women are just complicated like that.

   I can make beer disappear, what is your super power?

   I stll like your clam chowder

   I have horns holding up my halo tonight.

   Sorry my posts aren't up to my normal level. MY glutes keep shutting down.

   Oh my the way I measure & mix this Similac formula I should have became a cocaine dealer.

   I hope my Members Only jacket looks as good as Madonna does when its 80.

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   Every time I eat ribs it looks like there was a BBQkkake party on my face.

   What's the difference between the Ruble and the Dollar? A Dollar

   Going through a bunch of cute pictures of my kids to remind me why I don't keep them locked in the basement.