Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.

   If a fart can go through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you from Covid? Asking for a friend...

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   Happy Mothers Day, the day after

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   A hookah is just a glorified bong.

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   The Illuminati have planted facial recognition cameras everywhere and the only way to stop them from tracking your every movment is by wearing a mask over your face. Tell everyone!!

   DNA is so detailed, that it directs hairs where to grow on your nut sack.

   Landon Donovan post match interview in 2010 is the finest example of what we can expect from team USA in the beautiful game.

   it is good to see soccer marches happening at that tattoo festival in Brazil

   If you walk a mile in my shoes you'll wind up at the bar.

   one of my aunts called me #oomf on facebook so naturally I blocked her

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   Sorry, but the lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock. Please select another...

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Relationship Status: After carefully weighing the options. Willing to give loneliness a try.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East