Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since the beginning of the corvid the closest thing to a vacation I've been taking is by logging out of my unpaid job at facebook.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   But have you tried applying more Vagisil?

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.

   My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.

   My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..

   Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from

   I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Brownie are square.