Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.

   Since the beginning of the corvid the closest thing to a vacation I've been taking is by logging out of my unpaid job at facebook.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   But have you tried applying more Vagisil?

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.