Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   I don't understand my co-workers. I am in IT, they are all Indian, and I LITERALLY cannot understand them.

   I just love Cinemax late at night , don't you?

   When I have to choose between " the lesser of two evils"...I want both of them

   Surprise your husband or wife this holiday season with consensual sex.

   Go to the gym, else instagram will run out of business

   My parents think I'm bad, but if they saw how half my friends treat their parents, they'd appreciate me more.

   I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages

   Can't decide what underwear to answer the door in tonight.

   If you advertise your presumably better tv on my old tv and I indeed see how quality your tv is, doesn't that mean my tv is just as good?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   Chinese smog drifting east and is now covering parts of California. Yet another American icon has been outsourced.

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.