Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

   I'm 'when Hanson came out I thought the drummer was a hot girl' years old.

   Keep your cats close and your other cats closer

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   I don't understand my co-workers. I am in IT, they are all Indian, and I LITERALLY cannot understand them.

   I just love Cinemax late at night , don't you?

   When I have to choose between " the lesser of two evils"...I want both of them

   Surprise your husband or wife this holiday season with consensual sex.

   Go to the gym, else instagram will run out of business

   My parents think I'm bad, but if they saw how half my friends treat their parents, they'd appreciate me more.

   I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages

   Can't decide what underwear to answer the door in tonight.

   If you advertise your presumably better tv on my old tv and I indeed see how quality your tv is, doesn't that mean my tv is just as good?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   Chinese smog drifting east and is now covering parts of California. Yet another American icon has been outsourced.

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.