Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.

   So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?

   "Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie

   Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?

   Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.

   I voted...for Medical Marijuana.

   But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?

   So .... accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who screamed he was NOT happy. I yelled back: "Well then, which one are you?"

   My dad said to my mom, "I'm done with you, I'm going to date this pillow. I'm naming it Sophia!" My mom says, "You could do better." My dad says, "Stop it you don't even know her!" My mom goes, "I was talking to Sophia."

   my stock portfolio tanked again.....can I get a welfare check?

   Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but they forgot to mention Morons.

   i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.

   ..... Hmmmm .... Beginning to wonder why I was hit on by so many gay dudes today. Maybe it's time to rethink my Valentine's wardrobe.

   God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.