Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had a wonderful drive last night with my super model girlfriend as the wind blew through her hair doing 125mph in my Lamborghini convertible on the way to my Monte Carlo Villa until the garbage truck outside woke me up.

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Brownie are square.

   I think tomorrow I'll put on a T-Shirt that says "LIFE" and then go downtown and pass out lemons.

   my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   I'm going to spread this all over your moist cupcake. ~ Baker sext

   I just ordered this awesome t-shirt: "I participated in the Brexit vote and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Hmmm. Too soon.

   Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.

   Public Service Announcement: If you plan on using Illegal Fireworks this July 4th weekend .... Please remember to remove their Sombreros first.

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Donald Trump promises to defend article 12 of the Constitution after confusing for bankruptcy chapters.

   Sure I don't trust CNN or Fox News but this new website I never heard of with your radical views, I'll believe your legitimacy.

   The Ghostbusters reboot has ruined more childhoods than the Catholic Church.

   The world is falling apart, yet there are m0r0ns chasing Pokemon characters all around town. Where's the comet already.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie endorses Hillary Clinton.

   Pikachu? Come to my backyard and get a Glockatchu!

   The "death tax" is obviously a big issue for non-millionaire people in Detroit who have no estate and also no safe drinking water.