Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.

   Since the beginning of the corvid the closest thing to a vacation I've been taking is by logging out of my unpaid job at facebook.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from

   I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies