Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mental note at work - never be the first one to laugh at your fat 0ass boss when she is asked, "what kind of food she likes", and when she says 'seafood'!.... Everyone eventual gets the jokke!

   I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)

   I used to have a life outside of work. Now I have a wife outside of work.

   When she pulls away, pull her closer. Women are just complicated like that.

   I can make beer disappear, what is your super power?

   I stll like your clam chowder

   I have horns holding up my halo tonight.

   Sorry my posts aren't up to my normal level. MY glutes keep shutting down.

   Oh my the way I measure & mix this Similac formula I should have became a cocaine dealer.

   I hope my Members Only jacket looks as good as Madonna does when its 80.

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   Every time I eat ribs it looks like there was a BBQkkake party on my face.

   What's the difference between the Ruble and the Dollar? A Dollar

   Going through a bunch of cute pictures of my kids to remind me why I don't keep them locked in the basement.

   "Hell hath no fury" because women have it all.

   It was probably just a goat with one horn missing that just happened to fly because unicorns aren't real.

   No I don't look at ANY of my exs and ask myself "what was I thinking?" Or "was I drunk the whole time" I know exactly what I was thinking and doing.

   Those little Girl Scout devils got me again. It never fails...

   I've joined the National Exaggerators Club, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 members and growing.

   Watched girls gone wild last night...okay it was store security video during black Friday but still...