Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.

   Woman is a question too difficult for men.

   I think a Dog & Pony Show sounds delightful, but people always use that phrase in a negative context.

   Stubbing your toe is only a lightswitch away.

   Just because I like to trip children that are running through the produce aisle unattended doesn't make me a bad person, Officer.

   Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.

   apparently this dude Miller was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude my bad.

   I have spent almost half of my life trying to come up with new ways to get out of things and situations.

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   when a woman gets what she wants, she no longer wants that...

   Well, it looks like that huge asteroid will miss earth. I hope its not too late to contribute to my 401k..

   And the Oscar goes to.....Manti TE'O

   Are you trying to seduce me? I can tell by the way you didn't vomit when I said hi.

   Oh $hit....... I think my imaginary girlfriend has been cheating on me with some dude from Notre Dame.

   I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.

   Quick! When the hunky bartender gets the security guard and points at you; that means he's interested right? I think I’m going to drink for free the rest of the night...

   I clicked on one of those " You've been unfriended by 3 people" messages,,,,,,,,,,, Now it burns when I post..

   Oscar Pistorius is probably kicking himself in the @$$ right about now.

   so lazy today that I cant even finish a

   I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people