Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I see drunk people." - Me, playing the starring role in The Sixth Heavily-Impaired Sense

   That thin line beween ‘I love you' and bullshi t.

   who cares how it's spelled or its scientific properties....to argue over it instead of drink it tells ur losers

   Coz that Pope started using Twitter, Santa just created his Facebook account. Guess what, all the kids are getting clothes and Bible for Christmas :)

   It's been over 30 years but I still have a bone to pick with my guidance counselor. Becoming a computer programmer did NOT make me a chick magnet. That's the last time I ever take advice from someone wearing Vulcan ears.

   It should be illegal to be up this early.

   I'll pretend to find you funny if you pretend to like me.

   I'll let you hold my son before I ever let you hold my beer. Which is probably a good idea since I'll be too drunk to do it myself.

   We were bored and pretended it was love.

   Before I fall in love I usually fall over the barstool.

   If my life was a movie, you would be here by now.

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   All I wanna know is how the hell do you bring the lactose intolerant boys to the yard!?!?

   You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.

   Woman is a question too difficult for men.

   I think a Dog & Pony Show sounds delightful, but people always use that phrase in a negative context.

   Stubbing your toe is only a lightswitch away.

   Just because I like to trip children that are running through the produce aisle unattended doesn't make me a bad person, Officer.

   Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.

   apparently this dude Miller was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude my bad.