Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We were bored and pretended it was love.

   Before I fall in love I usually fall over the barstool.

   If my life was a movie, you would be here by now.

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   All I wanna know is how the hell do you bring the lactose intolerant boys to the yard!?!?

   You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.

   Woman is a question too difficult for men.

   I think a Dog & Pony Show sounds delightful, but people always use that phrase in a negative context.

   Stubbing your toe is only a lightswitch away.

   Just because I like to trip children that are running through the produce aisle unattended doesn't make me a bad person, Officer.

   Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.

   apparently this dude Miller was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude my bad.

   I have spent almost half of my life trying to come up with new ways to get out of things and situations.

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   when a woman gets what she wants, she no longer wants that...

   Well, it looks like that huge asteroid will miss earth. I hope its not too late to contribute to my 401k..

   And the Oscar goes to.....Manti TE'O

   Are you trying to seduce me? I can tell by the way you didn't vomit when I said hi.

   Oh $hit....... I think my imaginary girlfriend has been cheating on me with some dude from Notre Dame.

   I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.