Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By my calculations, the entire national debt could be retired, if the impeachment trial was Pay-Per-View. 🧐

   Astronaut: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: We have trump. You're better off up there.

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried :)

   Why don't blind people bungee jump? Because it scares the hell out of the dogs

   i know the world isnt going to end in 2012 cause my yogurt expires in 2013!

   A wise old man once told me, I'm a wise old man so I'm allowed to touch you in the bathing suit area. He taught me alot of things

   see my ex is now on facebook and is married with children. Well one man's trash is another man's recyclable.

   once visited the Virgin Islands ... They are now called the Islands

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

   The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

   As long as the Doomsday Clock people are adjusting the clock for Trump, they should give it smaller hands.

   "Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."

   What did Jill say to Joe, when he left the White House, this morning? "Have a safe trip."

   I'm attending the next Trump rally because I love puppet shows.

   What's this? A building is on fire? Not to worry. I'll stop the fire with my thoughts and prayers.

   Q: how do you know your house was robbed by a white guy? A: When everything is still there.

   Wife: YOU ARE LOST, GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS Me: *swallows pride, walks into gas station*... Excuse me sir, do you know where "the clitoris" is

   If I was the world's tallest man, I'd double up on my Guinness World Record by coming out as gay thus becoming the World's Biggest Fruit.

   Today at the NASCAR race they drove around in an oval for about 4 hrs! Next week, same thing.

   what did the egg say to the boiling water? "it might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick!"