Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

   As long as the Doomsday Clock people are adjusting the clock for Trump, they should give it smaller hands.

   "Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."

   What did Jill say to Joe, when he left the White House, this morning? "Have a safe trip."

   I'm attending the next Trump rally because I love puppet shows.

   What's this? A building is on fire? Not to worry. I'll stop the fire with my thoughts and prayers.

   Q: how do you know your house was robbed by a white guy? A: When everything is still there.

   Wife: YOU ARE LOST, GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS Me: *swallows pride, walks into gas station*... Excuse me sir, do you know where "the clitoris" is

   If I was the world's tallest man, I'd double up on my Guinness World Record by coming out as gay thus becoming the World's Biggest Fruit.

   Today at the NASCAR race they drove around in an oval for about 4 hrs! Next week, same thing.

   what did the egg say to the boiling water? "it might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick!"

   I Can Only Play The Hand [♠][♥][♦][♣] That GOD Has Delt Me -

   Nice guys finish last. Bad boys finish on her face.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.

   Barney Frank is retiring from Congress to coach football at Penn State....

   The Bible says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." It doesn't say anything about the one who lives across town.

   OMG I just heard Whitney Huston died? better start looking for my earplugs

   URGENT FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the colour of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to settings>Enable Webcam>Record Movie. Please re post this to your status!

   I went on eBay this afternoon looking for a Dictaphone ...they gave me Obama's phone number.

   I had a friend on Facebook who's status said "Suicidal..Standing on the edge of a cliff"...... So I poked him