Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   Sean Spicer must wear flame-retardant pants to every press conference to keep his pants from igniting.

   It is okay to have a crooked POTUS, or a rapey POTUS, but we shouldn't be okay with this crooked rapey POTUS.

   The US Treasury is already talking about putting Hillary's face on the American $20 bill. Question: Wouldn't it be much more fitting that her likeness be put on the $3 Bill?

   I asked Lebron James for change of a dollar... He gave me only three quarters. I told him he owed me another 25 cents. He told me he doesn't have a fourth quarter.

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   When you think about it, snow is nothing more than "rain, rain go away", that doesn't go away. It lies on the ground mocking you.

   When they washed your brain did they press it after words?

   If gas prices continue to rise, I'll have no choice but to purchase a windmill to power it.

   why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

   I can't believe we all have to suffer, just because some idiot really wanted to eat under-cooked bat soup.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   Hurt them with the TRUTH, don't please them with a LIE.

   Now a days I noticed that kids are eating their boogers. Not once have I ever looked at my own slimy snot when I was kid and thought it looked scrumptious.

   always right and never wrong. The only time I thought I was wrong was when I thought I was wrong but I wasn't - I was right!!

   Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.

   You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.

   LADIES You're in a queue in primark , shoes in hand. If your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue , if there's nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands..... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!