Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! We have a conundrum. Search for paper... and bring me a rock.

   there anybody else alive out there!?.. is that a No? If no one answers then I'm just gonna assume that's a "No" and that I can walk the street to a local gas station at 2:00 AM completley naked..."

   I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base...

   I'm so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members

   Erectile disfunction commercials make watching TV with your parents akward!!!

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   Why is it I always get on an airplane to ultimately get seated between someone that doesn't believe in deodorant and someone that weighs 300lbs? This is why people hate flying

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   Dear BP CEO: You can have your life back as soon as you fix that pipe.

   enjoying a stiff one. A stiff drink, you dirty-minded people!

   Went to go check my Mega Millions ticket and got pissed off because the clerk sold me a Powerball ticket instead. Oh well I guess I'll just fantasize about winning 34 million now instead.

   Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   I can't believe we all have to suffer, just because some idiot really wanted to eat under-cooked bat soup.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   When you think about it, snow is nothing more than "rain, rain go away", that doesn't go away. It lies on the ground mocking you.