Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes it takes two broken hearts to make two happy hearts.

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   does anyone else find it ironic that when the royal baby was born the doctor said "it's crowning"

   Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you’re bound to get burned.

   Remember, it's not gay if its for a promotion!

   It seems like everyone is in a relationship or in love and I'm just here like, “I like that tree. That's a nice tree.”

   Called the service provider turns out everything is okay, and you did get my texts, so I'm outside your window watching you read this...

   the Dems prove once again that it takes a lot longer than 18 months to buy votes. You've got the power, use it wisely...

   I'm not positive...but I think that the "Rinse and Repeat" slogan is just a ploy from the big companies to get me to buy more than 365 bottles of shampoo next year............... I really don't think I'm that gullible......

   Girls, it is OKAY to admit another girl is pretty. It won't kill you.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the man who has everything except a clue?

   With the rush to run out and stock up on Twinkee's, I've invested my money this morning into insulin. Who's a thinking?

   Twilight won the Teen Choice Awards, Justin Bieber won the Best New Artist Award and now Twinkies are now longer being made... What is this world coming too? Smh

   If you smile in shopping centre and you have teeth, everyone will think you're crazy.

   I'll bet any one of you I could stop gambling!

   You're so fat I can hear you breathing through the Internet.

   Ya know, those JP Wentworth commercial are lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!

   you know why you would never hear a pteradactyl in the bathroom? because the P is silent. <badoom crash!>

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner. --daniel tosh

   ♫ Loving you is easy because you're slightly attractive and I've been drinking a lot, doot-n-doot-n-do-doo Ah.... ♫