Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school.

   While you're ignoring that someone special, someone else is grabbing their attention.

   INTERVIEW WITH NAS: Stephen Colbert: Your ex-wife is Kelis ryt? Nas: thats right. Stephen Colbert: Was yo divorce due to the fact that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard?

   All you ladies in full support of G@Y rights; Its all fun and games until your man comes out of the closet or you lose your man to another guy.

   A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.

   say what you will about Usain Bolt, but I still say he'd make an outstanding purse snatcher

   Just brushing my teeth & putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear, "You're going to have to pay for that!" This Wal-Mart sucks.

   It's not "honey boo boo" it's "honey moo moo" it's fat got some mad cow disease so let's take it out back and kill it!

   It's national pancake day! Small breasted women are FINALLY happy!

   'Sri Lanka Vs West Indies' cricket match tomorrow. Kindly adjust contrast and brightness on your Television sets before watching

   Given that he's a wrestler, do you think Hulk Hogan was "REALLY" having sex on that tape?

   Love sucks. True love swallows.

   "What I want is to do is combine the laziness of cooking at home with the high price of eating out!" - The inventor of the Wedge Salad

   God couldn’t be everywhere so he created mothers. Satan couldn’t be everywhere so he created loud chewers.

   @piersmorgan I'll give away all my weapons, if you axe Rachel Jeantel to read a letter that's written in cursive.... PLEASE

   Did you know men have PMS, too? Yeah, Piss and Moan Syndrome.

   Sometimes it takes two broken hearts to make two happy hearts.

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   does anyone else find it ironic that when the royal baby was born the doctor said "it's crowning"

   Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you’re bound to get burned.