Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: Do You know how much I love you? Me: how much? Her: This much *spreads legs*

   When I hear a girl speak German, I automatically think she's a lesbian

   First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great!

   Like hello where are the good clean messages that you guys used to write at the beginning????? x___x

   Dear Spongebob, you're such a copycat. You live in Bikini Bottom & you're super absorbent? Sincerely, annoyed tampons.

   I don't understand why women spend so much money on sunglasses. It would be less expensive to just tint the kitchen window...

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is frighteningly serious.

   My Friends wife caught him pleasuring himself in the kitchen earlier. he was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea.

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone.

   Gay divorce proceedings - "You can have the belts, I want the shoes, we share the hair product and moisturizers. Weekend access for the dog"

   If it's called a walkie talkie,. How come a vacuum isn't called a Pushy sucky?

   Snooki's due date is December 21st. looks like the Mayans knew what they were talking about.

   Yea I saw the Hunger games, I'm not saying it sucked, but I believe I wasted 2.5 hours of my time and $10.50 seeing a sh*tastic movie that should never have been made

   FACEBOOK" The second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”...

   Some women need to learn that "about average" isn't in the 5'5", 175 lbs range!

   With all the deaths in 2016, there is one worth celebrating. Obama's failed legacy.

   Here's a pretty good sign that you've had too much to drink on St. Patrick's Day: you wake up the next morning and you look in the mirror and you've got that blue 2000 Flushes mustache.

   Lol religious people are nuts

   They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   I follow my wife around with my XBox controller in my hand while she cooks and cleans, I call it SIM B*tch!!