Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting my survival kit ready for 12-21-12. So does the garlic necklace work against Zombies or is it only effective against Vampires and Mormons.

   ■Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.

   ""What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.""

   Apple announced a new iPhone that doesn't work even better than the last iPhone didn't work!

   every girl is like a master lock, if you use the right combination of attention, flattery, and vodka-cranberry her legs spring wide open whether she wants them to or not.

   Hey girls who cut their hair really short, you must have gotten fed up from guys throwing themselves at you which is why you chose to do it.

   Hey Canada,,, Are you sure those were YOUR geese?.. They weren't as polite and well mannered as I would expect

   Why are hoes like "Oh, its winter, I need a boyfriend to keep me warm"?.... No b**tch, buy a coat.

   Hey I just met you and this might seem crazy but give me good head and don't be lazy

   I honestly could care less about your protests against chick-fil-a, they have the best curly fries I've ever eaten, your argument is invalid.

   Her: Do You know how much I love you? Me: how much? Her: This much *spreads legs*

   When I hear a girl speak German, I automatically think she's a lesbian

   First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great!

   Like hello where are the good clean messages that you guys used to write at the beginning????? x___x

   Dear Spongebob, you're such a copycat. You live in Bikini Bottom & you're super absorbent? Sincerely, annoyed tampons.

   I don't understand why women spend so much money on sunglasses. It would be less expensive to just tint the kitchen window...

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is frighteningly serious.

   My Friends wife caught him pleasuring himself in the kitchen earlier. he was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea.

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone.

   Gay divorce proceedings - "You can have the belts, I want the shoes, we share the hair product and moisturizers. Weekend access for the dog"