Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Biden says he doesn't want to talk about his predecessor. I know exactly how he feels.

   In honor of Michael Jackson's birthday, their family requests that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today.

   Freedom comes with wisdom, and no religion wants people to be free.

   I just switched on Airplane mode on my phone. Fecking Russians launched missiles at it.

   40 y/o women are like stray cats. A little attention and they'll never leave...

   Yesterday, Jesus, son of Mary arose from the dead. This morning... Bob, son of Joan... did not fare as well.

   can ride their bike with no handle bars

   Say "eye" then spell "map" and then say "ness". :P

   Why does everyone always have to bring up religion? I'm a Christian but I'm not going around shoving it down everyone's throat and I would ask that everyone else keep their beliefs to themselves as well.

   Coffee and cigarettes, best thing in the world.

   Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal... It makes them soggy and hard to light.

   Jesus and santa are not real. You can live up to a 1,000 year and still never get to meet Jesus.

   "checking Facebook while on vacation, what a loser. "

   THERE IS A VIRUS SPREADING LIKE WILDFIRE ON FB. DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING FROM ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT ASK YOU TO PLAY FARMVILLE. SNOPES JUST CONFIRMED IT WILL CONTROL YOUR LIFE & TURN YOU INTO A LOSER. PLEASE REPOST THIS IN YOUR STATUS.

   ‎3 facts about life: 1 You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2 Your retarded cause you just tried it. 3 Now your smiling cause you're an idiot.

   Did you know Mark Twain had a son? His name was choo choo... choo choo twain

   I wanna open a condom shop called The Hardwear Store..what ya think?

   it me, or does Mike Lindell look like Paul Bearer from WWE?

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   gonna dress as a fish for next Halloween and wear a sign that reads, "have worm will swallow"