Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎3 facts about life: 1 You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2 Your retarded cause you just tried it. 3 Now your smiling cause you're an idiot.

   Did you know Mark Twain had a son? His name was choo choo... choo choo twain

   I wanna open a condom shop called The Hardwear Store..what ya think?

   it me, or does Mike Lindell look like Paul Bearer from WWE?

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   gonna dress as a fish for next Halloween and wear a sign that reads, "have worm will swallow"

   ghetto word of the day...before: 2+2 before!

   Things a pedophile might say: “On a scale of 1 to 10 how old are you?”

   You're 42, divorced with 3 kids and you smoke? Good luck with that...

   peeing in your Garden

   Seem we are experiencing an Atheist Appocolypse ... maybe we need to start stabbing knives in their skulls

   Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. Recovery is when Obama loses his job

   celebrating Sheen-co de Mayo with some Tiger Blood!

   I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

   It's funny to me when people say all blondes are dumb because not all guys are blondes!?!?!

   You need space? WOW. I never knew you were an astronaut.

   If I get pulled over in Arizona and the cop says "Papers" and I say "Scissors", do I win?

   ‎69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.,

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy