Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So many 2 x 4's ... So few studs...

   Wow! Bethenny Frankel just announced she's getting a divorce! Wait, who the eff is she again???

   choosing someone on a dating website is like deciding which STD you want...

   Awkward is when you're dancing with a girl and she bends over so you can grind it, then realize she dropped an earring and no one in the Starbucks can hear your iPod but you...

   This electronic cigarette claims to contain no smoke, only water vapor. So apparently the best way to quick smoking is to slowing drown yourself.

   Hugo Chavez...Say hello to..Adolph Hitler/Vlad III the Impaler/Joseph Stalin/Benito Mussolini/Ivan the Terrible and your friend the.Great Antichrist...The enemy of righteousness the.prince of darkness, pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name!

   I love Pope John Paul, George and Ringo.

   It's all sh*ts n' giggles, until somebody giggles and sh*ts! :-O

   Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.

   My daughter is bragging about the blood puddle she left in the grass at rugby. How's your Bieber-haired, skinny jeaned son doing?

   There are females getting ignored RIGHT NOW because football is back. Y'all will get the sidechick treatment all season. Keep ya head up tho

   Idiots are God's leftovers.

   Feeling Ugly...go hang out in Wal-Mart for a few hours.

   I'm eating a McGriddle in the McDonalds ball pit telling kids facts about Benghazi. the manager is spraying me with a hose but I won't leave.

   I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker... This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...

   I wish I would have never got that loan from western sky the Indian Loan company.! Aside from high interest I'm on some goofy mailing List I keep getting things for " new siding for your Teepee " or "feather's R Us" worst is the arrows when I miss a pymnt

   The Twinkee may be reborn, Mexican company El Grupo Bimbo may be the new owner and manufacturer. Will this mean the vanilla cream filling will be replaced with Guacamole or Salsa ?

   i'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.

   All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

   Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today.