Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker... This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...

   I wish I would have never got that loan from western sky the Indian Loan company.! Aside from high interest I'm on some goofy mailing List I keep getting things for " new siding for your Teepee " or "feather's R Us" worst is the arrows when I miss a pymnt

   The Twinkee may be reborn, Mexican company El Grupo Bimbo may be the new owner and manufacturer. Will this mean the vanilla cream filling will be replaced with Guacamole or Salsa ?

   i'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.

   All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

   Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today.

   "Sometimes you can sneak the tight end in the back" that sounded so dirty!

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

   Got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust

   I just like the fact that Shotgunese is a universal language. Not every intruder will know enough of your native tongue to understand "Stop or I'll shoot!", but all of us know enough Shotgunese to understand "cha-shick".

   the band Nine Inch Nails should change their name to 'No Amount of Toilet Paper Helps'

   If you need more instructions, please refer to the users manual, or put your hands together, bow your head and contact tech support!

   What would have happened if Libya's main export product was broccoli?

   Sunglasses; they allow you to stare at people without being caught..

   This is your status on the old FB. ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʍǝu ǝɥʇ uo snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ....Any questions?

   RIP Steve Jobs. Thanks for making the apple more than just afruit.

   According to the Virgin mobile commercials I have a stalker that loves to watch me sleep and hide in my closet...

   I called the geek squad and they asked"what were you doing when you caught the virus?"I say"well I wasn't reading the Bible online geek!

   When you told me you wanted me, I totally should have gone for it....I miss my stalker :-(

   Looks like bin laden picked the wrong day to try on his British army gear...