Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.

   Dear Walmart: If your employees "appear" to be incredibly overweight, they ought to know that fitting in to a size 2 gives the wrong impression of your organization. I do not enjoy viewing what looks like to be a belly button when I approach an employee.

   If there was a tornado coming the first thing I'd do is update my status, If I'm not on here for awhile I'm not alive.... :P

   The U.S military has plans for attacking Iran according to the Joint Chief of Staff. For details, go to Wikileaks.org

   bought a new car and named it "Curiosity". The cats down my road have had it now!

   When do you think Brett Favre will be retiring from making retirement announcements about retiring?

   a woman may be as wicked as she likes, but unless she is pretty it will not do her any good

   On FB I took "How Many Sexual Partners You Have in 2009/2010" quiz. Result:"None, because your lame a*s spends too much time taking douchey a*s surveys on Facebook when you should probably be at the bar looking for women who leave their drinks unattended

   Hold your mother today, she was the first to hold you, she held you for 9 months.

   just gave the neighbour's kid a serving. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...so I threw a dictionary at him.

   Summer! Summer! Summer.. you make us beautiful and free spirited! ☼

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   I hate when people say "have a nice day." Like I'm gonna be in anguish later then think "Oh yeah, Truck Driver guy told me to have a nice day."

   does't care what anybody says, there is just something fundamentally awesome about sporks

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

   In hindsight...maybe telling the whole family while we were pulling names for christmas grab bag that I was going to be getting into directing porn was not really the ideal time to do so....I did however draw Grandma Gertrude though!!!!

   Speeding Ticket Excuse... I thought you wanted to race

   Let's take turns going crazy. You first.

   I like walking into bars and hitting up the jute box and playing Right Said Fred I'm too sexy 20 times in a row and leaving!