Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

   when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

   Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

   The subject of entomology really bugs me.

   I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.

   There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.

   Why aren't all of the social justice warriors out helping hurricane victims?! Too soon?!

   When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...

   I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.

   ..... Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears

   This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.