Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!

   I'm the type of person that gets distracted by the race between the grey & red bars on Youtube, and forgets about the video.

   If love were truly blind people wouldn't be so damn picky.

   They failed to legalize marijuana in my state cause my Xbox doesn't have a "vote here" option."

   If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from being a douchebag.

   What's the ex's new boyfriend like? Well, he's the kind of guy who drives around in a convertible, but never puts the top down.

   Parents: Help you grow from a child to an adult.. Then they become your roommates and get mad when the rent is late..

   If you're not going to swear at me during sex, then I'm not doing it right.

   They say a still tounge makes a wise head. I say an active tongue gives good head.

   Just wrote my wedding vows, it says, "I'll love & respect you, for fear of the death penalty for murder." Incase anyone wants to propose...

   Ladies; Do you get more jealous when your boyfriend talks to someone prettier than you or someone smarter/clever than you?

   Don't tell me about the ghetto, Mr. I still have All 4 Hubcaps.

   I'm sick of all this Wiccan stuff. As far as I'm concerned, they're still food stamps.

   I shed a tear every time my cell phone rings at work and its not Morpheus

   men are judged according to this "What they do Who they are and How much they make"

   Silly me....being the city slicker that I am...I thought the KY Derby was a lubrication contest.

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?

   Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?

   I'm not crazy. I'm just emotionally interesting.

   I get a call telling me that "my husband and I" won a 4 day, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas. When did I get married tho?