Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ignore me for five minutes and I'll ignore you for five months.

   Trying to decide if its flour or the beginnings of mold on my bread....oh well...nom nom nom

   Rearrange the letters to spell an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect: PNESI [A. spine]

   If anyone needs me I'll be over on Facebook telling people their babies look atrocious.

   "You must be out yo damn mind" = your behavior is very unorthodox and very contradictory towards my wishes

   I find it hard to believe that America is running anywhere on Dunkin'.

   People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.

   Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?

   my mom used to say "i dont want to hear a peep"...i just listened & that candy is very quiet

   Contrary to what the facebook status box says, please do NOT "let it all out".

   My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!

   Trying to convince my boss that a dog ate my quarterly report.

   I did it in bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession.

   lesson to kids, dont play hide and seek at the bottom of the pool..

   Women claim to watch movies for the intellectual content.... please explain Magic Mike. It hasn't even been released yet, and I'm scared to sit in theater seats!

   When I was young I thought the Nobel prize was something they gave you at Noble Roman's pizza.

   We need to find Heman, he has all the power.

   I get my revenge by sneaking into ladies public toilets at night and lifting all the toilet seats up.

   Dear Lionel Richie, what do woman have to do three times to make them a lady? Asking for slut.

   it just me or does the site of Nancy Grace pontificating on TV make me want to inject my eyeballs with lye....