Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV.

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   I only speak to telemarketers when they refer to me as 'Your Highness' and if they keep taking off a piece of clothing every 30 seconds.

   Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere

   Every girl knows that one "B*tch she don't want anywhere close her man.

   I will never understand why people go out..Get drunk.. And by the end of the night end up putting their faces where people go to the bathroom....It boggles my mind!

   going to start "The Gas is to Damm High Party" who's with me!

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can

   1 ARM + 1 Leg = 1 Tank of Gas starting Next week!

   i think it's about time Charlie Sheen changes his name back to Carlos Estevez, you know, to fit his name..

   I hate it when mechanical pencils refuse to use that last half inch of lead.

   Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

   need one more Red Light so I can get through this level of Angry Birds.

   Everytime a politician says, "my friends on the other side of the aisle," God kills a kitten.

   I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

   Lady Gaga says her fans are monsters.Really? Then how come the Wolfman hates her guts?

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase"Regards"ever again.

   I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying "Aaaaay!" And calling me "Richie".

   when you have fat friends, there is no such thing as seesaw.. only catapults

   A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.