Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

   need one more Red Light so I can get through this level of Angry Birds.

   Everytime a politician says, "my friends on the other side of the aisle," God kills a kitten.

   I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

   Lady Gaga says her fans are monsters.Really? Then how come the Wolfman hates her guts?

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase"Regards"ever again.

   I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying "Aaaaay!" And calling me "Richie".

   when you have fat friends, there is no such thing as seesaw.. only catapults

   A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

   APPARENTLY, when watching children, it's 'bad' to throw scraps of food and water down on the floor so they can fend for themselves. I don't really understand the problem since I tied they're leashes to the table leg so nothing bad would happen!!!

   Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

   I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry sh*t makes me feel like a p*ssy.

   can't believe he's not butter!

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   wondering why iceland is green and greenland is ice? Silly Vikings!

   Nurses can be very delicate individuals. They're caregivers. Sensitive. Empathetic. And sometimes they stick a thermometer in your butt!

   saw a girl with a sweatshirt that said Abercrombie and Fitch. So I introduced myself..apparently that was not the names of her breasts..OUCH!!

   I don't know if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

   it's canada day, so to all my canadian followers out there I say, "happy fourth of july in three days."

   does every dollar store smell weired and stuffy or its just me?