Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I go grocery shopping, I ask myself what would Jesus buy. This explains my cart full of wine bottles.

   Hot chocolate is just normal chocolate that has a modeling career.

   has never been able to watch Finding Nemo all the way through in one sitting due to it's frequent use of the "N" word.

   The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.

   Give it up, we get it... Your wife is your dog and your girlfriend is your hand

   Michael Vick announced that he is probably going to get another Dog soon! Dogs now are like ''Meow!''

   remember when you were a child, you used to blow bubbles? well he's back in town

   So whats the deal with all the Athletes, biting their GOLD Medals.... Is England's economy that Bad or are they hoping they are the Choclate filled Medals?????

   I wish STD's on all people who still say YOLO.

   Roses are red.... Violets are blue... I waited till the last second, and Hallmark was closed... So are you still mad at me or what?

   Thinking about getting the new iPad 23 that comes out today, but might hold off to next Friday and get the iPad 24.

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.

   ha here I thought LMS meant lick my sucker

   If I ever get caught soliciting a prostitute, I'm going to say "These aren't the droids I've been looking for!".

   Lost my Droid for an hour. The day I lost my daughter at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life

   You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you learn, you've been hurt, but you're alive. You're not perfect, you're human.

   If a woman is talking in the forest and no ones around to hear her, is she still wrong?

   Look dude I have no problem with the tattoo that you have. It's the instant attitude change that came along with it. Trust me you are still a pu$$y. Having a half moon inked into your shoulder did not change that.

   Just remember nobody's perfect...Cuz i'm sure even Mother Teresa blamed her fart on a kid or two...

   Dogs are tough I tell you...... I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.