Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun ways to hurt yourself: 1. Throwing yourself down stairs, 2. Punching yourself in the face, 3. Talking to your ex.

   True Story: Justin Bieber got his 1st tattoo at the age of sixteen. It was a Butterfly on his lower back just above the bikini line.

   omawho ??

   The next time I hear cheerleaders scream out 'give me a D!'

   I can't believe I haven't ruined somebody's day yet.

   Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens

   Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.

   todays weather 4-6 bottles of beer changing over to a large pizza iwith lots of cheese and pepperoni

   In dog beers, I've only had 1

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   Dog strollers are a thing if you were wondering where the trajectory of humanity is taking us.

   The best way to solve your relationship problems is to post about them on the internet and let your friends solve them for you.

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me.

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   Pac Man turned 35 today. Pretty sure he can expect some birthday head from Ms. Pac Man, although I am not sure how that would work.

   I ask, "when are you due" with impunity because fat chicks can't run very fast, anyway.

   It's not my job to fix you, people get paid for that.

   If you can't handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out

   wanna have some fun? get in the van!