Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   Dog strollers are a thing if you were wondering where the trajectory of humanity is taking us.

   The best way to solve your relationship problems is to post about them on the internet and let your friends solve them for you.

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me.

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   Pac Man turned 35 today. Pretty sure he can expect some birthday head from Ms. Pac Man, although I am not sure how that would work.

   I ask, "when are you due" with impunity because fat chicks can't run very fast, anyway.

   It's not my job to fix you, people get paid for that.

   If you can't handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out

   wanna have some fun? get in the van!

   Hey Spotify, safe for work does not translate to safe for my masculinity when Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me, goes blaring through the shop. It probably didn't help that I knew all the words and the dance from the video either.

   Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   You can lose weight but unfortunately you can't lose ugly.

   A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.

   You dating 3 people and you say you are in a relationship!!! Lol nah you are in a group activity.

   WhatsApp now has 2 blue ticks when the person has read the message. I guess I can't ignore people on purpose anymore.

   I'm "flirting with strangers on the internet" years married.

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.