Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, thats a picture of you when you were "younger"? ALL photos of you were when you were younger. Unless you have a time machine. Which you don't.

   Kim Jong Un unanimously won an election which had a 99% voter turn out. In other news, North Korea's economic report is out and shows a 1% increase in dog food production..

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.

   Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.

   Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real

   On a scale of one to forgets to breathe, how stupid are you?

   Chocolate, candy and flowers def got her in the mood until she asked me where I got the pretty roses from.. I guess the Cemetery after work was not a good answer \ :O /

   My worst fear is meeting my match.

   We have great chemistry and amazing physics.

   I woke up and I couldn't walk at 1st so I thought I had really bad cramps but then I realized I was just Lebroning!

   Thinking burns calories. This is why so many of us are fat.

   For those of you who consider yourselves to be workaholics, I feel for you. I, too, know what it is like as I struggled for many years while hopelessly addicted to workahol.

   This isn't a ' dating ' site. It's a ' gave up on dating ' site.

   [working in garage]... "Hand me a screwdriver, son".... A flat one?.... "No".... [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

   Dating someone who didn't even finish high school is so risky, what if they leave you like they left school?

   I'll be betting on The Pope for the Pope vs. Trump showdown.

   I came out as a lesbian to my best friend a few years ago, this weekend I'm taking her last name because I am marrying her sister. Screw my homophobic ex "BFF".

   A good way to handle when your kid asks, "Mom, what happens to me after I die?".. is to pull out a trombone and play "waa waaaa" in his face.

   There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an a$$ tattoo tomorrow.

   Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying beer and a ton of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 turned out for him.