Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why doesn't money have braille on it?

   You changed your profile picture and I changed my mind.

   what if I am a high ranking illuminatii and dont even know it

   After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.

   As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.

   no really what are reindeer games ?

   Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"

   If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me

   Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.

   Oh, thats a picture of you when you were "younger"? ALL photos of you were when you were younger. Unless you have a time machine. Which you don't.

   Kim Jong Un unanimously won an election which had a 99% voter turn out. In other news, North Korea's economic report is out and shows a 1% increase in dog food production..

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.

   Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.

   Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real

   On a scale of one to forgets to breathe, how stupid are you?

   Chocolate, candy and flowers def got her in the mood until she asked me where I got the pretty roses from.. I guess the Cemetery after work was not a good answer \ :O /

   My worst fear is meeting my match.

   We have great chemistry and amazing physics.

   I woke up and I couldn't walk at 1st so I thought I had really bad cramps but then I realized I was just Lebroning!

   Thinking burns calories. This is why so many of us are fat.