Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does Krystal accept Valentines day reservations for one?

   If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape!

   SO HUNGRY.. but not hungry enough to get up and get food.!!!!!!!!!

   With their elegance and confidence women truly are beautiful creatures...and if the opportunity was right I'd bang every single one of them.

   Pretty bummed the iPhone 5 still comes with the phone feature.

   There's no 'i' in team.... Unless it's a team of Apple lawyers.

   "tums" needs to change their product name....some ppl are dyslexic with heart burn & easy offended by reading SMUT on the bottles

   I shouldn't have to say I love you when it's obvious that my p enis adores you.

   dating a rich guy can make you an INTELLIGENT BUSINESS WOMAN... and dating a poor guy makes you a HARD WORKER

   I wish they made a “no soliciting” sign for the phone!

   I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. But guys, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.

   Where's Waldo has created a generation of women who chase unavailable men.

   A box of poptarts to any one that can find my underwear.

   Despite a great life, I feel all empty inside, Must be time for lunch.

   I just had an email saying "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had." It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

   tellin the snow to "GET OF MY LAWNN"

   I have to give those Subway sandwich artists credit -- their works do look quite a bit like sandwiches.

   To quarrel with a drunk is to wrong a man who is not there.

   I think I may have known Renee Graziano when his name was Ronnie

   Just got hit on by a decent looking guy working at Ralphs... He ended up asking 4 my # & I said,"Oh & 2 packs of parliament lights & I'll b paying w my food stamp card." Turns out, no decent looking dude wants to date a 2 pack a day,low income poor woman?