Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish they made a “no soliciting” sign for the phone!

   I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. But guys, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.

   Where's Waldo has created a generation of women who chase unavailable men.

   A box of poptarts to any one that can find my underwear.

   Despite a great life, I feel all empty inside, Must be time for lunch.

   I just had an email saying "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had." It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

   tellin the snow to "GET OF MY LAWNN"

   I have to give those Subway sandwich artists credit -- their works do look quite a bit like sandwiches.

   To quarrel with a drunk is to wrong a man who is not there.

   I think I may have known Renee Graziano when his name was Ronnie

   Just got hit on by a decent looking guy working at Ralphs... He ended up asking 4 my # & I said,"Oh & 2 packs of parliament lights & I'll b paying w my food stamp card." Turns out, no decent looking dude wants to date a 2 pack a day,low income poor woman?

   Never fall in love with an a$$ man, unless you're prepared to offer him the moon.

   Love one, forget many.Do many, remember one.

   Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

   I see they now have a candle scent called "Maple Butter". Nice, but "Maple Butter with Bacon" would be oh so much better.

   Peace & quiet are fundamental and necessary for a short time each and every day :)

   well if you need more space then join NASA baby.

   It's kind of like comparing bermuda shorts and capri pants... both are cute, but those few extra inches make a world of difference...

   I know I love you because I fight most with the people I love – is the biggest bullsh*t ever.

   Being paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong