Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taser? If that guy had been a Rangers fan the Texas cops would have shot him dead.

   Has anyone else seen the Pop Tarts commercials where mom makes her kids Pop Tart ice cream sandwiches and garnishes a sundae with Pop Tarts? What can you do to make Pop Tarts even worse for you AND encourage childhood obesity? Add ice cream of course!

   I can't get enough minimalism

   Ladies when it comes to Men if you dont do anything that affects their 5 senses then they'l never feel what you are trying to express......

   BP's latest strategy to stop leak, Operation Fingers Crossed, doesn't instill much confidence.

   People laugh because I'm different, I laugh because I know it!

   Why has "Just between you and I," never really just between you and I?

   If it doesn't kill you, kill it before it tries again!

   U.S met office issues a stark warning that Hurricane Sandy has been upgraded to a British Summer

   Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer? Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

   I'm very, very, very descriptive

   This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adult table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

   It's funny how even your best friend can suddenly hate you like a sworn enemy when they think you like the same person they like.

   Storage Wars is fake? What will you tell me next, that Taco Bell meat isn't real or that Santa isn't real?

   I don't mean to be a stereotype, but like most women, I love shoplifting.

   it me or does Don Imus look like a muppet/dc follies character?

   According to my wife's calculations, I haven't been right in 12 years.

   wine is the wrath of grapes.

   "the artist formerly known as Pope."

   Top 4 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs. 4. Skinny jeans