Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Woody and Buzz have ever met any of Andy's Mom's toys. They probably have the same names.

   got new a deodorant ..Instructions say remove top and push up bottom.. My a$$ hurts but every time I fart the room smells great.

   Can't we all just get a bong?

   Personally, I'm a big fan of wind mills.... Get it??

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6, 7.8, 5.6, 6.7 and the cop.

   Happy International Women's Day :) Now go make me a sandwich, cause it ain't going to make it self. Chop Chop :)

   Anyone else see the ISIL talking about ISIL

   The biggest problem in society today is that there is an entire generation of younger people that have never been punched in the face.

   Dear Advertisers – white heterosexuals still use fabric softener, buy insurance and walk their dogs.

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   Have you noticed that the "&" symbol looks like a guy dragging his ass across the floor?

   Duct tape: Turning NO!, NO!, NO! into mmm, mmm, mmm.

   Every illegal immigrant we catch here...We should harvest their stem cells, organs, bone marrow, bones,skin,and Eyes...Bet they won't be so froggy to jump the boarder when they see a guy with a dialysis machine standing there saying I want his kidneys!!!!

   "O say can you something something" - Donald Trump singing our National Anthem.

   why is that when you don't agree with anything Obama is doing his "fans" always come back with lame remark about Bush just cause you dont like Obama doesnt mean you are pro Bush ignorant fools.

   Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus

   I was really jamming to the band playing at a recent gathering, so I whipped out my lighter and started swaying back and forth. The look of disapproval I got from the audience was worrisome. I guess this type of behavior is frowned upon in the Church.

   Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

   I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the Ieft on their conquering 2 cartoons, a box of pancake mix and a bottle of syrup.

   41 shot in NYC this weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.