Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, because there's no place like home.

   It's not cheating if you let your girlfriend watch.

   Well on the plus side, there will be free birth control so they won't reproduce!!

   : Aspire to Inspire before you Expire!

   throwing a clock out the window seeing if time really will fly...

   now available with kung fu grip!

   got some new underwear today... well new to me anyway :-)

   ..oh dear. Some special ed class somewhere is missing a student..

   ...when two's company, three's the result...

   What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick

   Michele Bachmann pulls so many bogus statistics out of her ass that she has to spend $200 million a day on Preparation H

   ...put on your Yarmulke! here comes Hannukah! it's so fun-nukkah to celebrate Hannukah!

   tree up☑ cookies for Santa☑ Surface to Air Missile Systems all set up on my roof and ready☑>:) I wonder what Venison taste like?

   F to the you to the C to the K pretty much sums up my day

   Can't stand when people quote music lyrics in their status. we know how the song goes, we already heard it 500 million times on the radio. but "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars," "ops I did it again," "somebody call 9

   I love when doors automatically open for you, it makes me feel like I am a JeDi ;D

   I was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and says, "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me - ever.

   it wrong to laugh at the flaming gay guys getting attacked by bees? What? It's funny!

   OMG. A real girl in real life just tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her what her zodiac sign was. That's good, right?