Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

   When I'm a billionaire, I will use cats instead of toilet paper.

   Justin Bieber, why you no die drag racing like Paul Walker?

   Justin Trudeau should have asked Donald Trump what year the War of 1812 took place.

   In order to keep his family involved, Trump has appointed Melania head of the Department of mining, given her background as a gold digger.

   If someone can explain to me how stealing and destroying is a panacea for easing racial tensions, I'm all ears.

   How the hell do Edward Scissorhands And Freddy Kruger wipe their a@@?

   What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

   Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan

   I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

   I wonder how many times Jesus ran out of the room crying and screaming “You’re not even my real dad, Joseph.”

   I forgot who treyvon martin is already, please dont ruin my KFC's and Popeyes.

   OK Apparntely it's "Illeagal" to cover yourself with blue body paint and put on a pair of smiley face boxers and walk around Walmart claiming to be a giant bag on Halloween!

   A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells: "Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!"

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   Betcha Slick Willie Brown has Kamala nude pics on cell phone

   wondering...DO SHEEP SHRINK IN THE RAIN?

   says the show must go on...please move on...enough of michael jackson in my news feed...

   have a new theory! If you ran around a tree at 270,000 miles per hour you could actually "f**k yourself". Same theory would apply if we re-elected Obama again.