Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to recreate the human centipede in my basement. I'm just going to use a bunch of scotch tape though.

   Our company had a chili cook-off today at 11:30. The "crop dusting" began about 2 hours later

   If I wanted to talk to you, I would have called you first

   i wonder if they have a pill for premature procrastination

   Just downloaded the new FIFA to his Laptop, tried to open the file and it said it was corrupt.

   You should never use cowboy builders but after what is going on at the Commonwealth Games in Delhi you should steer well clear of Indian ones too :)

   Rise and shine Billie Joe Armstrong... It's October!

   Ive not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson

   An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

   IDK what it is about gum, but I suddenly feel so much sassier when I chew it!!

   homework: this is your last warning, if you keep coming here I'm filing a restraint order

   The only stimulating book I want to read is "50 Shades of Gravy"

   I am only writing this so people wont think I'm loney while sitting at the bar by myseld....

   hahahahahahahahaha=very funy hahahahaha=funny haha=not that funny

   When you break something at the store and nervously walk away!

   hope they have a white castle day so I can express how much I hate paying for gas.

   You know your getting old when "breaking the seal" means opening a bottle of Ibuprofen

   What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.

   Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.