Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's method of waking me up is pretty much the same as a solider waking up a prisoner of war.

   Accompanied by girlfriend to a special screening of "Magic Mike XXL" last night. The nudity....The foul language.... The ladies screaming at the top of their lungs. And that was just me standing in line for popcorn....

   It's what's on the inside that counts, and other things ugly people say.

   Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

   it in bad taste to ask if Wes Craven died in his sleep?

   (Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   Live each day like someone's paying for drinks

   The best part about being a plumber a friend told me is you can tell a snobby old rich lady that she needs a new ballcock with a straight face...

   Oh great. The 50 shades of grey movie comes out Valentine's day... I'm Not opposed to seeing it, my issue is if not going to first showing off day, odds go up exponentially as the day goes on that you'll be sitting in a wet chair.

   I think states are over looking the Dr Kevorkian method. Enough said. . .

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the Chief or Police is always bl@ck.

   I think I will go for a drive, just to pick my nose. . .

   Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

   If you say you can’t cook what you're really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

   If I could do the Jedi mind trick, I would get an insane amount of oral sex.

   If any of you guys get to hell before me, save me a seat at the bar

   I guess its official. Baby New Year is a boy again, and everyone's already waiting for his ball to drop.

   Just because I'm not in a good mood doesn't mean I don't want sex