Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's method of waking me up is pretty much the same as a solider waking up a prisoner of war.

   Accompanied by girlfriend to a special screening of "Magic Mike XXL" last night. The nudity....The foul language.... The ladies screaming at the top of their lungs. And that was just me standing in line for popcorn....

   It's what's on the inside that counts, and other things ugly people say.

   Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

   it in bad taste to ask if Wes Craven died in his sleep?

   (Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   Well son,,, They called it a bra because booby trap was already taken

   People that are happy, keep that sh*t between you and your drug dealer, no one else cares

   The two major causes of depression are: a) having a wife, and b) not having a wife.

   12h To the women who complain that men only want sex from you... Have you ever considered offering them...something else?

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.

   Welcome to another day of loneliness brought to you by years of pushing people away.

   I see your confidence and wit and raise you the skirt I have on.

   Oh boy, we're so poor that our best enjoyable memory is someone's farting.

   Why did the Conjoined Twins move to England? So the other one could drive.

   He who does not understand your silence, is crazy and will probably not understand your words.

   I got 99 problems and a bitch of a sister is one.

   How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving

   When I see a girl with a lot of make up on her face.....I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face!