Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wiping my ass with the Koran after taking the biggest dump of my life!

   When are they going to do a myth busters episode on God?

   I think Casey Anthony should be the new baby sitter for all the jurors' kids..

   She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

   Spoiler alert: Han Solo DIES

   Dear McDonald's cashier, don't give me that look. There's no age limit on a happy meal... and don't forget the toy.

   became a fan of I wish I had never googled lemonparty.org

   an escaped mental patient with a history of violence

   The one thing that I can guarantee America will forget: That it was Britain's MI6 that pointed the America's CIA in the right direction. You're welcome by the way!

   Tall girl & Short guy = Awkward. Tall girl & Tall guy = Cute. Short girl & Tall guy = Adorable. Short girl & Short guy = AWW.

   way to "own the podium" Canada. At last count you have what, only 1/2 the medals as the USA!

   How are we supposed to cure cancer when we can't even find a cure for country music.

   " Fcuk the Police" ............ Please encourage this!! With the shift work we do protecting your sorry ass it's sometimes hard to meet women. So please encourage your sister and mother to continue your cause!!

   aware of how pathetic you actually are!

   "coming up next, right after this brief message."

   notices that its been so windy of late that even the water in his toilet was choppy!

   considering applying for a job as a news anchor. I already exaggerate stories to the billionth degree every day, but now I can broadcast them to the world!

   People have to recognize that the "do-it-all-mom", as the saying goes, often ends up doing everything but "it".

   Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist exchange places

   just met a lot of people who will corner the market on coal this Christmas.