Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min

   People die when women are “fine.”

   50 cent is broke wants to be called 5 cent now

   [Shark Tank, 1928] Inventor: I call it Sliced Bread... My Great Grandfather: I like to decide my own bread thickness,,, and for that reason I'm out.

   Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing

   Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica

   See where Pistorius is released after one year to house arrest...wonder is he has to wear an ankle braclet.....

   When you have a mouthful of turkey and someone says "Let us pray."

   Don't waste my time. That's my job.

   I just had a WTF moment when Adele stoped singing and immediately turned into Mrs. Doubtfire. I also just learned that she has a potty mouth, and I like it!

   I hope all you Heat fans are enjoying this weather! This is what you wanted.

   If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We've been waiting for this all our lives!

   I think one of the sweetest sounds in the whole world is the sound of a baby's laughter. Unless its three in the morning. And you don't even have a baby.

   Body of a man discovered in blue, curbside recycling bin in South Boston.... Police say body should've been placed in green, curbside bin.

   To the world you may be one person but to me you are an ass-hole.

   There's nothing to fear but fear itself. And single men who own cats!

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates your parents as much as you do.

   If you don't hump Christina Ricci today, then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   This bourbon needs more cocaine

   Getting married has nothing to do with the wedding.